Forgiving the Unforgivable: Overcoming the Bitter Legac… (2024)

Most books on forgiveness take a theological perspective and spend a great deal more time on what forgiveness is and why you should practice it than on how you do it, i.e. "You should forgive because Christ commands it." Unfortunately, however true that may be, it's not particularly useful. "Forgiving the Unforgivable" focuses on the “how” of forgiveness from a sociological, rather than a theological, perspective. The author has studied scores of people who have actually managed to forgive successfully, and they have forgiven personal injuries ranging from the murder of a loved one to abuse to adultery to the backstabbing of a close friend.

The book details the various phases involved in forgiving (naming the injury, claiming the injury, blaming the injurer, balancing the scales, choosing to forgive, and the emergence of a new self). She acknowledges that forgiveness cannot be rushed (notice that choosing to forgive is not until phase 5 of the process), which is somewhat comforting for any person struggling to forgive in a Christian context, because such people are often made to feel guilty for not arriving at forgiveness before the necessary phases to get there have been passed through.

She also shows that “balancing the scales” can be done in a variety of ways, one of which involves a period of temporary punishment (which strains against the common theological perspective that forgiveness *equals* lack of *any* punishment). This was somewhat reassuring: whereas some spiritual guides will tell a person he is unforgiving and self-righteous if he feels a need to punish his injurer, Beverley Flannigan argues that this need can be merely a *stage* in the process of forgiveness that some people need to pass through before they can let go entirely. Of course, it is getting hung up there that translates to an unforgiving nature. “Loading the scales” is another form of balancing. This involves giving more choices to oneself, since an unforgivable injury does much of its damage, in effect, by taking away one's choices. (“In unforgivable injuries, fair balance is usually destroyed when one person takes choice away from another while at the same time increasing his own…three ways: one person can deprive another of physical freedom, one can withhold information from another, or one can lie to another…Lies make it nearly impossible for you to make a reasoned choice because your options have been obscured.”) The author offers many practical suggestions of things that can be done in this “balancing the scales” phase, including making new friends, renewing old friendships, and taking classes. “Balancing the scales returns power or resources to the wounded person because it restores that person’s options and helps him to believe fairness has returned his life. If it restores anything, forgiveness restores choice.” I thought this perspective on forgiveness as a restorer of choice was an interesting and enlightening one. It is important, she argues, “to increase your own resources and choices on purpose so that it is your own accomplishments that give you a sense of personal power.”

The book is full of practical exercises to work through the naming, claiming, blaming, and balancing phases as well, including specific questions to answer, journal exercises, and letter writing exercises. In fact, there are so many exercises, that it’s a bit overwhelming, and I doubt many people will choose to do all of them, but you may find ones that are particularly helpful to you. You may also find ones that you wish to skip because they cause you to wallow in too much anger and self-pity. For some these may cathartic; for others who have begun a bit of healing, they may retard the progress.

From a practical perspective, this is the best book on forgiveness I have yet read, but the spiritual element is noticeably absent.

This is without question, the best book I have read on the subject of forgiveness. I have read many good books on forgiveness. However the depth and brilliance of this book, in addition to the scope of betrayals that one is capable of doing to another, or of the devastation that one may endure and come out not only okay, but whole, that the author addresses in this book, is beyond what I expected...This book is a balm. I am reading it again for the second time, and it is even better than the first read. I find that there were certain parts I just wasn't ready to read and fully " get"... I'm in a more receptive place now, this book has helped me to heal and is very empowering. I highly recommend it.

This book is beyond excellent. It is a tool for those who want to try and forgive but just can’t seem to get there. There is no religious BS. No platitudes about turning the other cheek or forgiving for one’s own sake.
Ms. Flanigan has taken her years of experience working with wounded people and combined it with incredible insight, wisdom and practicality. The book brings logical process and analysis to forgiveness. It guides the reader through the steps required to get to a place where forgiveness is actually possible.
The best part for me, was the intelligent approach to teasing out the muddle of feelings and issues into separate items that can be pondered, understood and then acted upon. The comparison to others is also useful. When you read about her clients and what they were recovering from, your own anger might start to seem just a little bit less insurmountable.
The whole first half of the book is preparation for forgiveness. I learned to look at my personal issue in new ways and from different angles designed to help me figure out exactly what and who needed to be forgiven.
The energy I am regaining and learning to channel into something other than rage is liberating in itself. It’s a long process but so far, very worth it. I can’t recommend this book enough.

This book is brilliantly written. It moves intelligently through the actual forgiveness process, as opposed to the "denial" forgiveness process. Her process leads the reader to where forgiveness is a rational choice rather than an emotional obligation. The author also does a great job at defining what "unforgivable" means and why it is unforgivable. It has already clarified my understanding of some events in my life in a valuable way.

The second part of the book includes exercises to help the reader through each of the stages. The exercises are very helpful, as they get your brain moving about what would work for you.

If you have been unforgivably injured, this book can help you to move on. It has helped me to do so.

I struggled with the book from the title onward. The first few chapters show many people who have had atrocities done to them, but then forgive the perpetrators. This is fine and inspiring, but then continuing to repeat that this is "forgiving the unforgivable" doesn't rectify the logic problem in that wording. If something is unforgivable, then by definition it can't be forgiven.

Now, if the author instead used wording like "forgiving the scenarios-that-society-as-a-whole-usually-perceives-as-unforgivable", then I would not have stumbled so often on the contradiction in wording. But nope, no such elaboration or disclaimer. Time and time again we are shown someone forgiving a situation that cannot be forgiven.

Any book that purports to be educate someone, even in the soft sciences, should attempt at least a bit more clarity in their wording if they want to get the concepts across clearly and unambiguously. I'm sure I sound like a nit-picker, but at the core, I need books to use language consistently and logically, and I gave up reading this one because it was failing to do so. I have other books on forgiveness that manage to convey the concepts in an understandable way.

now this might sound lame, but i don't care. this is by far the best self-help book i've ever used. it has helped me a whole bunch, and it continues to do so. it has helped several of my friends. i was lucky enough to stumble upon it; i'm passing my luck on to those of you who find yourselves in a conundrum. And let's be frank: who here hasn't found themselves in a conundrum?
includes: the real reason to attempt to forgive (it sure ain't about THEM); how to cultivate an attitude of humility and kindness without being a pushover; writing exercises; peace-in-a-book.
the author is a psychologist and prof at UW Madison; I was tempted to go there for my doctorate just so I could breathe her air. And intern under her. And see if she's mastered the most difficult of the human/e arts: real, honest forgiveness.

This was so helpful. I'm one to bury anger and resentment deep down, thinking that I'm over an issue, only for it to come to the surface with a memory or other trigger. I realized that I had not forgiven or moved on, and I really didn't know HOW to forgive. We are told that we should forgive, but we are never given the steps to get there. This book gives you the steps and walks you through the healing process leading to forgiveness. The transactional model of forgiveness in the introduction showed that I was stuck on one step, still only halfway towards forgiveness. Given the outline of the "Journey" in part 2 and the tools in part 3, I have finally reached a place of peace and am able to fully forgive an "unforgivable injury."

This book is written by a social worker. It is about the first extensive study on forgiveness, done in the 1980s. She visited with people who had been abused by their parents, had spouses who left them for others while they were struggling with cancer, just all sorts of horrible things. It reminded me how charmed my life is. It also explained the process of forgiveness and relationship patterns that emerge that cause one party to harm another. I would highly recommend it.